The Phatt Island Library is located at the Wharf on Phatt Island. It is run by a single Librarian.
Books are organised in an extensive card catalogue.
Guybrush Threepwood used the Library to get a temporary Library Card with which to prove his age to buy alcohol. He also needed to take out a number of books. The library is known to have steep overdue fines.
There is also a miniature display of the planned lighthouse.
Catalog
For the most books, Guybrush will give a generic comment that the book is useless. T marks the books that Guybrush complains that they are too technical. 0 marks the few books that Guybrush doesn't comment at all.
Category | Title | Description | Guybrush's comments | |
---|---|---|---|---|
Adult Entertainment | Zelda Carbuncle Tells All | Memoirs of a woman of dubious pleasure | ||
Animatronics | Animatronics | By Walt Whimsy | T | |
Animatronics | Under the Surface | By Walt Whimsy | T | |
Annotation | See Footnoting | |||
Archeology | X Never Marks the Spot | By I. Jones | ||
Art | Vagueness as an Art Form | |||
Art/Philosophy | Idealism or Surrealism? | Philosophy/Art textbook | ||
Beverages | Beverages for Everyone | You know, I don't believe there's a man, woman, or child alive who doesn't occasionally enjoy a lovely beverage. | ||
Big Whoop | See Treasure | |||
Biography | Both Hands Empty | The Herman Toothrot story | ||
Biography | Both Hands Moving | The Stan story | ||
Biography | Both Heads Empty | The Fettucini Brothers story | ||
Biography | A Fistful of Barnacles | Journal of Captain Twiddlymore | ||
Biography | Lick the Silver Spoon | By L. Phatt | ||
Biography | Me and Blackbeard | |||
Biography | The Time I Blew Up LeChuck | Questionable memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood | I can't believe I'm reading my own memoirs. | |
Biography | Yikes! | Memoirs of Captain Gilbert | Yikes! | |
Body | Unusual Birthmarks | |||
Breakfast | Breakfast at Meathook's | |||
Business | How to Make Friends and Influence People | By Bluebeard | ||
Cannibalism | How to Serve Your Fellow Man | By Lemonhead | Yikes! | |
Cannibalism | See also: Self-Help | |||
Catalogs | See Subheadings | |||
Cheese | Guide to Cheeses of the World | Reference | ||
Children's Books | The Sinister Beast Under the Bed | Hmm... Good bedtime reading... | ||
Children's Books | Treasury of Pirate Children's Stories | |||
Circuses | Alfredo and Bill's Excellent Adventure | Fiction | ||
Circuses | Damn the Human Torpedo | The origin of the human cannonball trick. | ||
Classics | Great Expectorations | Captain Loogie | This is very... ...thick. | |
Collectables | Junk, Junk, and More Junk | A guide to modern memorabilia | ||
Cooking | Noteworthy Pirate Foods | Hey, it's blank! | ||
Cooking | Viscous Fluids You Can Make at Home | |||
Crafts | Crochet Eyepatches for Fun and Profit | |||
Cross-reference | See Referential Obscurantism | |||
Cryptography | The Code in My Nose Unique message drops through history. | Sounds uncomfortable. | ||
Dewey decimal system | See Organizational Schema | |||
Disaster | Great Shipwrecks of Our Century | From the Lime-Life Disaster Series. | Says here the Mad Monkey sank at XXN, XXW. | |
Disease | Fascinating Facts About Scurvy | |||
Diseas | Shipboard Diseases | Gross. | ||
Dogs | Dog English Dictionary | Reference | It says that "Arf" has twenty-seven meanings in Dog. | |
Education | Preparing for the Pirate Aptitude Test | by S. Karpman | ||
Entertainment | Quiet on the Set | |||
Entomology | Tomato Worms | An owner's manual. | ||
Etymology | Origins of Pirate Words | It says here that most pirate lingo can be traced to Phoenician restroom grafitti. | ||
Eyesight | See: Vision | |||
Farthington Dynasty | See: Games | |||
Fashion | Summer Swashbuckling Fashions | Three years of the popular periodical | ||
Fiction | E Ticket | |||
Fiction | Five More Than I Needed | |||
Fiction | Hedgehog Days | |||
Fiction | Not So Much as a Doubloon | An anthology of short fiction | ||
Fiction | Very Very Short Stories | Yep, these are short all right. | ||
Finance | Easy Ways to Make Money | |||
Fish | Big Book of Fish | Illustrated guide to the fish of the world. | It's a bunch of neat pictures of big fish. | |
Fishing | Limpet Fishing: The Lost Art | |||
Food | I Married a Muenster | By S. Cheese | ||
Food | Life-Size and Larger | |||
Food | Rats as a Protein Source | Ick. | ||
Food | Also see: Cannibalism | |||
Footnoting | See Vicious Pedantry | |||
Games | Hal Barwood on Monkey 2 | A critical review. | "Less is more, guys. You can't polish a turd. | |
Games | Fan-Tan Fanatic | By Elroy T. Funbun | ||
Games | Kings of Shuffleboard | An account of the Farthington Dynasty. | ||
Genealogy | My Mother the Cart | Strange but true tales. | This is really creepy! | |
Genetics | How to Make a Jackalope | I wonder how they get them to cooperate? | ||
Geometry | Properties of the Elliptic Hyperboloid | T | ||
Ghost Pirate LeChuck | When I Blew Up LeChuck | One of Threepwood's worst. | The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad. | |
Ghost Pirate LeChuck | Where I Blew Up LeChuck | One of Threepwood's worst. | The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad. | |
Ghost Pirate LeChuck | Why I Blew Up LeChuck | One of Threepwood's worst. | The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad. | |
Godiva, Lady | The Shirt Off My Back | Biography, see also Adult Entertainment | Darn, no pictures. | |
Grave Robbing | Popular Punishment for Grave Robbers | Yikes! | ||
Grog, Addiction to | I Am Blackbeard's Liver | The horrifying true story of a confessed grogaholic | Just say no to grog. | |
Groupings | See Catalogs | |||
Headings | See Cross-Reference | |||
History | Careful With These Cannonballs! | Legend of the glass-bottomed armada | ||
History | See also: Scabb Island | |||
Hogwash | Rememberance of Molly | |||
Humor | Bad Puns For Bad Pirates | By N. Falstein | heh. Heh, heh. Hooo ha ha ha ha. AHAHAHA!!! HOOHAHA-- "He was stumped!"--HAHAHAHA!! Ahaha. Aheh. Oh, well, I guess it wasn't that funny. | |
Humor | Dumb Pirate Jokes | |||
Humor, Gallows | So You're Going to Be Executed... | Dozens things to say on the chopping block. | Gulp. | |
Ice cream | Pirates' Favorite Ice Cream Flavors | Hmm, Pistachio Dryrot, Salmonella Chip, Grog 'n' Cream... | ||
Idols | Tikis of the South Pacific | Reference | ||
Igloos | Igloo Contruction Made Easy | |||
Imaginary numbers | The New Tax Laws | Light fiction. | It's a bit dry, and I don't understand the ending. | |
Indexes | See Indices | |||
Indian burns | How to Give Great Indian Burns | |||
Indices | See Titles | |||
Inferiority | The Complex Complex | |||
Internal Revenue Service | See Imaginary Numbers | |||
Jackalope | See Genetics | |||
Jello | The Story of Jello | |||
Jellyfish | Our Spineless Cousins | |||
Justice | Kangaroo Court | Critique of the modern judicial system. | ||
Juvenile Behavior | Cow-Tipping Enthusiast | Collected essays on form and style. | ||
Karate | See Martial Arts | |||
Karma | My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma | See also: Philosophy | I think this philosophy stuff is just a waste of time. | |
Keelhauling | Keelhauling: Methodology and Practice | |||
Ketchup | See Vegetables | |||
Kidneys | The Little Organ That Could | Pop-up book of kidney functions. | There are little pop-up kidneys in it! Ick! | |
Kleptomania | Kleptomania | It says here that kleptomania is a nigh-irresistable compulsion to take anything not nailed down. Hmmm... | ||
Labyrinths | See Zip Codes | |||
Language | Hip Lingo for Pirates | A dictionary for modern slang terms | Hmmm... "Aaargh." "Yaarr." "Shiver my timbers." "David Jones' locker." "Dead men don't tell stories." I should brush up on some of these. | |
Lice | Louse Ranching For Fun and Profit | |||
Lunch | Afternoon at Meathook's | Fascinating... | ||
Lyrics | Rock and Raunch | Banned record albums of the past decade. | I don't see what's so bad about these lyrics. | |
Magic | See Voodoo | |||
Manatees | Damp Damsels of the Deep | |||
Manatees | The Sailor and The Sea Cow | |||
Martial Arts | Theory and Practice of Bone Breakage | Hey, this guy's only a PINK belt! | ||
Mathematics | Cubic Lemniscate Formulas | Boy, is this stuff boring. | ||
Maze Construction | See Annotation | |||
Military | The Steath Sailer: Why It Won't Sail | |||
Money | Make Easy Money at Home | It says I should send in two dollars for details. | ||
Mountains | The Majesty of the Sierras | Sierras? Majestic? I think not. | ||
Music | Elvis Lives | Predictions of future music by Nottruedamus | ||
Music | Grammy Award Winners of the Renaissance | |||
Music | Volume First | |||
Music | World's Worst Pirate Songs | Hey, "A Thousand Bottles of Beer on the Wall." | ||
Music | Xylophone For Beginners | |||
Mystery | How Much Wood? | From the Woodchuck Mystery series. | I think the butler did it. | |
Narcissism | Feeling Good About Narcissism | The 'about the author' part goes almost the whole way through the book. | ||
Narcolepsy | Confessions of a Narcoleptic | Boy, what a sleeper. | ||
Night | Sounds From Under the Bed | |||
Noises | A Definitive Guide to Cartoon Noises | |||
Noogies | How to Give Great Noogies | |||
Normality | A White Picket Fence | Sociological study | ||
Noses | Honk If You Have To | Colds, allergies, and other ailments. | ||
Nostalgia | Soda Fountains of My Youth | By Ponce de Leon | Boy, does this guy ever want to relive his childhood. | |
Numerology | Numerology for Beginners | |||
Nylon | Use of Nylon by Pirates | |||
Obesity | More of Me to Love | By [[L. Phatt] | ||
Obscenity | &$*#! | Symbolic equivalents of obscene words and phrases. | This stuff is really repulsive! | |
Okra | Favorite Gumbo Recipes | See also Food | ||
Olives | Scourge of the Pizza | Examination of forced olive consumption. | ||
Optimism | There's Always A Rainbow | I gate people who write books like this. | ||
Orangutans | Our Hairy Cousins | I have a lot of cousins like that... | ||
Organizational Schema | See Labyrinths | |||
Origami | Paper Buffalo | Advanced origami designs. | 0 | |
Orthopedics | Hear the Sounds of My Feet Talking | It's about zen orthopedics or some such foolishness. | ||
Philosophy | Deliberance | A philosophical treatise | ||
Philosophy | Rastafarian Philosophy | I don't get it. | ||
Pillaging | All about Pillaging | From the popular How-To series. | ||
Pillaging | Masters of Pillaging | Interviews with some of the best. | Wow! These guys are real pirates! | |
Piracy | Pirating Primer | For the novice pirate. | It's about something called "software" piracy. | |
Poetry | Three Sheets to the Wind | Poetry by pirates. | This is some of the worst poetry I've ever read. | |
Quotations | Famous Pirate Quotations | (already checked by Phatt) | ||
Ranching | See Lice | |||
Recursion | See Recursion | |||
Recipes, Voodoo | The Joy of Hex | 101 essential voodoo recipes. | I think it's meant for advanced voodoo practicioners. The writing's way too technical for me. | |
Referential Obscurantism | See Groupings | |||
Romance | Amour's Agonizing Adieu | By Melanie Leary | Argh! | |
Romance | Desire's Distasteful Denouement | By Melanie Leary | Dumb! | |
Romance | Fascination's Final Frenzy | By Melanie Leary | Fiddle-sticks! | |
Romance | Love's Lingering Lassitude | By Melanie Leary | Truly disgusting. | |
Romance | Next To Nothing | By E. Marley, an account of her time with Guybrush Threepwood. | If you can't say something nice, you're not supposed to say anything at all. Much less write a whole BOOK. | |
Romance | Passion's Persistent Presence | By Melanie Leary | Why would she write this? | |
Romance | Romance's Wretched Residue | By Melanie Leary | Ridiculous! | |
Romance | Sin's Sordid Swan Song | By Melanie Leary | Stupid! | |
Romance | Yearning's Yellowing Yesterdays | By Melanie Leary | Yuck! | |
Sailing | If I Only Had A Drain | Perils of showering aboard ship | ||
Sailing | Safe Sailing | |||
Salmon | Lox and Locks | Modern problems facing salmon | ||
Scabb Island | Scabb Island History | An introduction | Says here that Scabb was first settled as a quarantine island for skin diseases. It later became a haven for pirates because of its distinctive lack of authority figures. | |
Self-Help | Pirates Who Love Too Much | |||
Self-Help | Not Eating People and Feeling Good About It | Confessions of an ex-Cannibal | ||
Sharks | Killers of the Deep | A study of Caribbean sharks | ||
Shipbuilding | Modern Shipbuilding | By G. Steele | ||
Shipwrecks | See Disasters | |||
Sin | The Hidden Sins of Calculus | Boy, this is reactionary! | ||
Sin | Top Seven Deadly Sins | "Sloth" is my favorite. | ||
Slan, Pirate | Shiver Me Timbers | See also: Language | "Yarrr, matey." I wonder if anyone really talks like this. | |
Sociology | Social Darwinism and Social Disease | Comparative social theory | An interesting comparison. | |
Solitaire | A Million and One Ways to Play Solitaire | By Herman Toothrot | What a rip. Number 236,709 and number 645,212 are practically the same. | |
Spiritual | Gift of the Lizard People | |||
Spiritual | Over the Crow's Nest | |||
Stupidity | Walk Thru Walls: The Intelligence Avoider | An analysis of the system, pat pending. | I certainly don't need this... I can walk straight already. | |
Subheading | See Maze Construction | |||
Subtraction | Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Partner | T | ||
Surgery | Operating Without A Net | Techniques for safe surgery. | It says to always use latex gloves. | |
Tattoos | Why Chicks Dig Tattoos | Hmm... Maybe I should get one. | ||
Tattoos | Tattoo-Related Skin Infections | Hmm... Maybe I shouldn't get one. | ||
Tattoos | A Child's First Book of Tattoos | Aw, the teddy bear is cute! | ||
Tea | Tea Party Massacre | By Louisa de la Cruz | 0 | |
Theater | Beyond Hearts and Question Marks | Shadow puppetry for the two-hook pirate | ||
Three-Headed Monkey | The Pride of Loch Ness | This guy thinks the legendary Three-Headed Monkey is actually the son of the Loch Ness Monster. | ||
Titles | See Headings | |||
Toast | Thirty Things That Taste Terrific On Toast | |||
Toenails | Modern Toenail Collector | Periodical compendium | It's a bunch of clippings from some magazine. | |
Toys | Collectable Toy Trucks | Here's an interesting one: the Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault Vehicle™. | ||
Travel | The Caribbean on No Dollars A Day | A pirate handbook | ||
Treasure | Big Whoop: Unclaimed Bonanza or Myth? | (given to Guybrush by the Voodoo Lady, it tells the story of Captain Marley and his crew in their search for Big Whoop, and their eventual fates.) | ||
Tree Surgery | Anaesthetics For Deciduous Trees | |||
Trilogies | Why People Shouldn't Write Trilogies | By Simon Finklebirth | ||
Trilogies | Why People Won't Read Trilogies | By Simon Finklebirth | ||
Trilogies | Why People Write Trilogies Anyway | By Simon Finklebirth | ||
Tripes | Dessert Recipes for Tripe Lovers | Ick. | ||
Ulcers | Why You Shouldn't Worry About Ulcers | |||
Umbrellas | Giant Umbrellas and Other Bits of Art | Sounds dangerous. | ||
Underwear | Wedgies: Harmless Fun Or Sadistic Torture? | It says here that the wedgie was once used as a law enforcement practice. | ||
Vegetables | Vegetables Children Will Eat | That's odd, it claims ketchup is a vegetable. | ||
Vicarious Living | Popular Spectator Sports | I can't find stoat wrestling in here. | ||
Vices | 101 Vices | By J.P. Ampleform | Hey, only 30 to go! | |
Vicious Pedantry | See Dewey Decimal System | |||
Thirty Non-Musical Uses For Your Violin | Wow, I bet that WOULD keep the cats away... | |||
Viruses | Things You Can Catch By Reading a Library Book | Uh, oh... | ||
Vision | Patches | |||
Volcanoes | Warm All Year Round | Real estate handbook. | ||
Voodoo | See Recipes, Voodoo | |||
Vulgarity | Gross Things to Say at Parties | |||
Waiting | Is It Soup Yet? | A jillion things to do while waiting in line. | ||
Wallpaper | Anywhere But My Room | Designs featuring cute cartoon characters. | ||
Wallpaper | Living in Lime | One thousand lime green designs. | Ick. | |
Waltzes | Dancing On Three Legs | |||
Warthogs | The Misunderstood Pet | |||
Wealth | Opulence as a Social Art | By L. Phatt | ||
Wild Animals | Meet Mr. Tiger | Pop-up book. | Neat, the pictures pop up. | |
Wine | Sniffing the Cork | How-to for the wine snob. | ||
Woodworking | Out On a Plank | |||
Xanthippe | Life Cycle of the Shrew | |||
Xenophobia | Hey You Kids, Get Off of My Lawn | |||
Xylophone | See: Music | |||
Yacht Clubs | Pirate's Guide to Caribbean Yacht Clubs | |||
Yachting | All You Need is the Cap | Yachting on land. | ||
Yaks | The Yak is Slow But the Earth Is Patient | |||
Yawning | The Yearn to Yawn | Psychological study of yawn envy. | ||
Yeti | Interview With A Snowman | |||
Yiddish | Feh, and Other Useful Terms | Reference. | 0 | |
Yodeling | Yodeling from the Top of the Lungs | A study of yodeling as an offensive weapon. | ||
Yorkshire Pudding | Not Quite Really Pudding | Articles and recipes | 0 | |
Yo-yos | At the End of the Rope | Yo-yo politics. | ||
Zippers | Zipper Theory | |||
Zirconium | The Most Beautiful Element | |||
Zoology | Just one of the Primates | |||
Zoology | Zoo Animals More Intelligent Than Humans | It's too thick, I don't have time to read it. |
- Dynanetics by L. Ron Gilbert