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Insult Sword Fighting

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Insult Sword Fighting
is an activity within the Monkey Island games, heavily featured in the first part of The Secret of Monkey Island and being the bulk of The Curse of Monkey Islands Part Three.

The intention of insults in sword fighting is to throw off an opponents guard and allow a swordsman to press their attack. Throughout the Caribbean a number of standard insults are used by the many pirates.

During a fight there may come a natural break in the swordplay where one pirate will launch an insult such as "You fight like a Dairy Farmer." The opponent will then be forced to respond with a comeback. If the comeback is sufficiently insulting, they will win the upper hand in the battle. If not, they will be fought down. Whoever retains the upper hand will be able to throw the next insult.

Usually three successfully landed insults will ensure a combatants victory.

Insult Sword Fighting has a slightly different rule when at sea. While fighting on board ship, all insult comebacks must rhyme with the attackers line.

The popularity of Insult Sword Fighting has spawned various other insult based pastimes including Insult Arm Wrestling.

Learning ProcessEdit

Guybrush Threepwood was taught two insults and comebacks by Captain Smirk on Mêlée Island: The famous 'dairy farmer' insult and the 'shish kabob'. He could also learn the 'smart dog' insult from the Troll.

After his training, Threepwood had to go out into the forest and confront a number of pirates in order to learn more from them in combat.
Stinking winner

At first Threepwood would lose many fights not knowing many insults, but the pirates would use new ones which he would then memorise and be able to use in future battles. If he used them later on a different pirate who had a proper comeback, he would then memorise that too.

Sword MastersEdit

Some practitioners of Insult Sword Fighting are known as Sword Masters. A famous one is Carla, the Sword Master of Melee Island.

Usually these individuals have their own unique arsenal of insults and those who oppose them are forced to use their wits to find a comeback in their own repertoire that makes sense.

It is also impossible to gain the upper hand against them, even with a successful comeback. They are beatable, but prove the toughest opponents of all in sword fights.

Insult Sword Fighting In GameEdit

In Secret of Monkey Island Guybrush Threepwood must defeat the Sword Master of Melee Island as one of the Three Trials to prove himself worthy of becoming a pirate.

In Curse of Monkey Island Guybrush must find and confront Captain Rene Rottingham after he steals a map from him.

In Escape from Monkey Island, Guybrush may challenge Ozzie Mandrill to an insult swordfight, but will be utterly defeated due to not understanding his opponents Australian themed insults.

In Tales of Monkey Island Insult Swordfighting is apparently no longer practised by anyone except farm boys according to Morgan LeFlay.

SoMI Insults and ComebacksEdit

There are 16 in all. Once you learn 12 and win three fights with normal pirates, they will begin to say 'You're good enough to fight the Sword Master'. Stinking fight

Insult Comeback
You fight like a Dairy Farmer! How appropriate! You fight like a cow!
This is the END for you, you gutter crawling cur! And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?
I've spoken with apes more polite than you! I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion!

Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!

First you better stop waving it about like a feather duster.
People fall at my feet when they see me coming! Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down! Your hemorroids are flaring up again eh?
I once owned a dog that was smarter than you. He must have taught you everything you know.
Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will. You run THAT fast?
Have you stopped wearing diapers yet? Why? Did you want to borrow one?
There are no words for how disgusting you are. Yes there are. You just never learned them.
You make me want to puke. You make me think somebody already did.
My handkerchief will wipe up your blood! So you got that job as janitor, after all.
I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle! I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
I've heard you are a contemptible sneak. Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.
You're no match for my brains, you poor fool. I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.
You have the manners of a beggar. I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

Stinking win

Sword Master Insults
Insult Comeback
Now I know what filth and stupidity really are. I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
Every word you say to me is stupid. I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.
I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today. And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?
I will milk every drop of blood from your body! How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman. I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.
My tongue is sharper than any sword First, you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island! So you got that job as a janitor, after all.
My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me! Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
Only once have I met such a coward! He must have taught you everything you know.
If your brother's like you, better to marry a pig. You make me think somebody already did.
No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do. You run THAT fast?
My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood. I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape. Why, did you want to borrow one?
My sword is famous all over the Caribbean! Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.
You are a pain in the backside, sir! Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
There are no clever moves that can help you now. Yes there are. You just never learned them.

Swordmaster fight

CoMI Insult and Comeback ExamplesEdit

Insult Comeback
Every enemy I've met I've annihilated! With your breath, I'm sure they all suffocated.
You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee. I look THAT much like your fiancée?
Killing you would be justifiable homicide! Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.
You're the ugliest monster ever created!

If you don't count all the ones you've dated.

I'll skewer you like a sow at a buffet! When I'm done with you, you'll be a boneless filet.
Would you like to be buried, or cremated? With you around, I'd prefer to be fumigated.
Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified! Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.
When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified!

At least mine can be identified.

You can't match my witty repartee! I could, if you would use some breath spray.
I have never seen such clumsy swordplay! You would have, but you were always running away.
En garde! Touché! Oh, that is so cliché.
Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated! Too bad they're all fabricated.
I can't rest 'til you've been exterminated! Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.
I'll leave you devasted, mutilated, and perforated! Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated, and infuriated.
Heaven preserve me! You look like something that's died! The only way you'll be preserved is in formaldehyde.
I'll hound you night and day! Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!


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TriviaEdit

  • In ToMI, Threepwood can use the insult "Every enemy I've met I've annihalated" while duelling Morgan LeFlay. She gives the correct response.

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